Cue the Sun

It’s odd. Even though I’m so used to you being here I still haven’t felt the impact yet. I dread the day I do. But for now I guess I’ll go with the flow. I’ll live like you wanted me to. I’ll do all I can and be all I can be. I hope you’ll do the same. I know the world’s coming down hard on you and reality is sinking in, but you can do it. You’ve got me, minus the thousand something miles haha. I think I’m finally getting to know myself better. I just recently realized how funny and how much of a dork I am. The fact that more people want to go on a trip because I’m going was surprising. I still am shocked every time someone listens to me, so to find that people find me entertaining is a pretty big thing. I guess finding the joy in life isn’t too bad. What the hell was I doing with my life before?

I don’t even know.

I believe everything happens for a reason. And if you think about it isn’t that a way of saying fate but in more than one word?

I think I’m ready to give up this gloomy leaf of mine. I don’t know why I’ve never really realized Life is what you make it. Now that I have many months to experience it for myself I think I will. It’s not all about the bad but the good as well. Some how it’s hit me for the first time that if I just take pleasure in the little things I can be happy. It’s all about what I make it. I know that now.

I actually had a good christmas.

Probably the first one in years that was enjoyable.

It’s nice.

After Wednesday we won’t see each other for a long time. It tears me up in side that my other half is leaving and all I can do is look forward to the day you come back, which I know will be a couple of years. Even though we’ll be far apart I hope we’ll keep in touch and won’t let distance damage our friendship. People can do it with relationships why can’t we do it with a friendship? Its just really hard to keep a straight face and not tear up when people mention your leaving. I haven’t been feeling to up to the weather lately and you’ve always been the one to make my day, but who will that be now? We have so much in common and I know this is the type of friendship that is rare to come by in life and thats why I treasure it as much as I do. Many might say were over reacting, but they have probably never had a friendship like the one we share. You know almost everything about me and vise versa. I once had a friend tell me he believes you can never know a person more than 60% and even thats pushing it.

BUT I believe I know you more than that maybe not the whole 100% because thats just to much but almost.

Lately just everything has been very difficult for me with college, graduating, work, school, parents, my sickness and just everything. I can honestly say I’ve only kept together because of you and I’m sure you don’t know that, but your the reason I can make it through and the reason I have. Not to be gay but I know your probably one of the only people I can consider family. Not just consider but you are and I love you for all that you’ve done. I don’t think I’ll have anymore tears by the time I finish writing this, but I need to write it. I need you to know how much you mean to me even if my words can’t express it.

Even though I hope we can still have the same friendship when you come back a part of me feels betrayed. I know we’ve discussed this but you know how guarded I am. I was fine with all the others but if you were to betray me I don’t think I’d feel the same about it as the other friendships. You know All my friends in the past have done me wrong in some way and I feel like since you haven’t so far this is your way of doing it. I know you don’t want to go but I really feel like my world is ending. Even though I secretly feel this way all I really want is for you to be happy and succeed in life. So if I’m not happy at least you’ll be. So for me be happy.

Don’t be sad because I know I’ll be enough for the both of us. Be healthy and exercise like you do now. And make sure Shannon does too.

I love you as much as a friend can love another friend.

In a way time has just gone by so fast, too fast. I feel like I was just entering HS a few weeks ago and NOW It’s only a few weeks before I graduate. I wonder about the future now more than anything. It’s become a sort of obsession. I catch myself daydreaming about what can be. I want to do so much. I feel like I’ve grown up too fast too soon. And I never thought I’d live to say I wish I was a kid again but oh how I wish. Somehow it’s hard to fit happiness in the midst of it all but time if you’d allow i’d like to be happy someday.